I was born on November 27. That makes today my birthday and I am feeling a little old and unaccomplished. I can remember so vividly daydreaming while I waited for the bus in first grade, thinking about how very many years I had left before I would be done with high school. The idea of going to school for so many years, and then going to school even longer for college, unfathomable. Twenty-one seemed so old that I could not even imagine living that long, and now my younger sister is about to celebrate her own 21st birthday.
It can be pretty intense thinking back to what you wanted to be when you grew up, then looking at where you are, and how you got there. As a seven year old, I thought I would be a married doctor and mother of nine by the time I was 25. By those standards, I am already an old maid... fun game, but scary thought. Some dreams we may have had as younguns may be unrealistic, and it does not mean we are total failures if we do not carry out an elementary school fantasy, but I hope I never lose that zeal.
As a lowly first grader, I had no reason to believe I couldn't grow up to be a married doctor and mother of nine, but too often the normal bumps and bruises of growing up in a sinful world leave us jaded and willing to settle for complacency. While I do believe it is necessary to understand the reality that sin has cost us perfection here on earth, I never want to get to the point that I accept this reality as "okay." I believe we should always maintain a degree of discomfort over the sinful state of our earth, so we are even more inspired to persue a perfect life with God in Heaven.
Part of the reason that I am having such a hard time believing I am already 24, is that I thought I would have surely grown more "mature" by now, but now I hope I never "grow up."
I would like to wrap up my meandering by sharing the words from the beautiful birthday card I received from my dad. Over the years, our relationship has definitely had moments of severe strain, hurt, anger, abandonment, resentment, disappointment, forgiveness, awkwardness, and love. This year, Dad planned an evening for he, Kara, Grandma, and I to go out to a fancy dinner and attend A Christmas Carol at The Pabst a week before Christmas. I cannot even begin to describe what a huge step this is, because he thought of this all on his own, and I am so proud of that fact! The words from his card do a better job of expressing some of the emotion behind our relationship:
"For a wonderful daughter. You mean so much to me. I'm not sure why I wait for special occaions to tell you how much I love you, because that feeling is always with me. From the minute I first held you in my arms, you've had a special place in my heart, and even thought we've had our share of differences, I've never stopped loving you. Not for a moment. You're a wonderful daughter, and you deserve to hear that more than I tell you, because you're more special than words could ever say. Happy Birthday. Love, Dad"
It was a happy birthday!
