Healing Prayers for the Hemmer Family...

Friends, I need to ask you all for some big time, heavy-duty prayers for the Hemmer family. In my last post, I mentioned the sister of one of my best friends who just had brain surgery, and is dealing with a lot of complications with cancer. Things have been so crazy for their family lately, that it has been hard to catch a free moment from my friend to get caught up on how she's doing, other than to be told that it's not good and the doctors can really only try to keep her as comfortable as possible from this point on. She came home from the hospital on Friday, almost two weeks after her last surgery.

As always, my prayers are with her, but now even more pressing is the condition of my friend, Jon. Jon had a heart condition as a child that had him in and out of doctors' offices and on life-long medication. This experience inspired him to enroll in a two-year program to become a pediatric echo-tech and work with other children with heart conditions after our beloved radio station was sold. However, with the return of his sister's cancer, he put that on the back burner to concentrate on helping with his niece and nephews. His family is incredibly close... His mom raised him and his sister on her own since Jon was a toddler, and he has really been their rock through all of the turmoil surrounding Angela's battle... which has left him, understandably, extremely stressed.

I was supposed to see Jon on Friday night for a VeggieTales event, but received a call from him that afternoon telling me that he wasn't going to be able to make the drive up because his back and shoulder had been bothering him, and also because Angela was coming home from the hospital that day. On Saturday I received a text from him asking me to design a poster for the band I have been working with, and for which he is the drummer/acting manager (Chad James)... I texted back that I could work on it on Sunday if he e-mailed me the specs. I never received an e-mail, but figured it was just "Jon being Jon" and spacing because he had so much else on his plate. Then, while baby-sitting on Monday morning, I received a call from the lead singer, Chad, and figured he was calling to ask about the poster, so I didn't listen to the voicemail until I was done babysitting later in the afternoon. I was shocked and saddened to hear that Jon had suffered a massive heart attack on Sunday afternoon!

From what I have learned, he was driving alone when it happened, and either went off the road, or pulled over. Someone passing by stopped, found him unconscious, and called 911. The doctors are not sure how much time passed before he was found, but they are estimating his brain was without oxygen for around 30 minutes. An initial brain scan was quite bleak, and doctors thought he may have also had a stroke. Fortunately, further tests showed that he did not also have a stroke, but they were keeping him on a ventilator in a drug-induced coma and were lowering his body temperature to 90°F. Yesterday, his condition was so critical that they were concerned that he wouldn't make it, or if he did, that he would have a very diminished quality of life... this as his sister is fighting cancer and he and his wife haven't even reached their one year anniversary...

Today, they started to bring him out of the coma, initially very gradually, so that they can do another brain scan tomorrow and hopefully receive some better results. As of this afternoon, he is off the ventilator, awake, and talking (only a little, which is very unlike Jon :) but he's pretty confused and is having trouble with his memory... he knows who people are, but if they leave the room for a while and come back, he won't remember that they were already there... Still, this is amazing progress given that only yesterday they were not sure he'd make it! Things are still touchy, but the fear that he won't make it has near dissolved, and they are now concentrating on getting him better and preserving a much quality of life as they can... as close to "normal" as possible...

This, to me, is so blatantly miraculous! Nothing, no amount of medical science could cause such a quick, however seemlingly small, turnaround in such a short amount of time except for God and all the prayers that have already been sent up on his behalf. He is still in the ICU in IL, and it looks to be a slow road to regaining his strength, so his family does not want a lot of friends making the trip down and tiring him out. Right now, what they really need is continual prayer. The whole Hemmer family has a strong collective faith in God, and I know that now, when they feel like they've just had the rug ripped out from under them, they will lean on him for strength, so please keep them in your prayers.

4:00 a.m. Wake-Up Call...

Long time, no blog... I guess time just got away from me... Life has been so busy lately that it constantly seems I am running out of time... Here are some updates:

Kara and I had almost two more months to enjoy Teppy before her tumor grew large enough to cause difficulty walking and she stopped eating. We had to euthenize her (though Kara voted for letting her go outside, where some animal could eat her)... We took her home to our parents' house in Stevens Point and buried her in a rubbermaid container by the stump of one of my Matthew trees. I know it seems silly to bother burying a hamster, but I couldn't do anything else.

About a week later Kara and I moved to a new apartment... actually the bottom half of a duplex... making it the 7th summer in a row I have packed up my possessions and relocated... It almost doesn't seem worth unpacking anymore, but I am determined to stay in the place for at least three years... hopefully longer. Our situation is quite unique as I am working as a Resident Counselor at my alma mater, and the duplex is included as part of my stipend... Yep, "free" rent, not to mention utilities, a meal plan, and a decent cash stipend as well... This is a GREAT job and I love being part of Res Life again! I oversee a group of 5 RAs, all with apartments on the upper-campus, 9 buildings, and about 100 or so residents... Of course there are the responsibilities like going on rounds at 3am, making up mandatory residential meetings at 5am, writing disciplinary sanctions, breaking up students guilty of pelvic "grinding" at the homecoming dance (Which is now referred to by a group of students as "The dance that Kate ruined!"... It has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you agree?) ...but it is also incredibly rewarding in a way I do not think I could accurately describe...

I have also taken a position as a part-time nanny for one of the other RCs. He is the campus pastor at a local high school, and his wife teaches third grade... they have three daughters: one in 1st grade, one in 4-K, and an incredibly strong-willed 18 month old who. Every weekday I come over to "play" (makes the kids feel more independent if I don't call it "baby-sitting"...) with the toddler from 7:30am-2pm... I know I'm probably a bit biased, but she is cute as a button and I miss her (and the other girls) over the weekends. What's the most fun is that so much is new to her and she is so easily amazed, plus now I have an excuse to be watching Curious George and VeggieTales (who I'll be meeting in two weeks :) I try to take her for a walk outside everyday because she thinks we're going "exploring" but I know that a short walk for my long legs is a long walk for her short legs and then she goes down for her nap pretty easy... Actually, she's napping right now... I usually bring my computer and homework and get work done while she sleeps, but I am soooo sick of homework.

Speaking of which, I am so close to finishing my graduate degree I can almost taste the huge beer I'm going to celebrate with after... I only have two weeks left in my current class, Managerial Accounting, and then my 8-week capstone, in which I will be creating a portfolio and doing a research project rather than a thesis. I have already received all my graduation garb and was quite disappointed to see the ugly hue of the hood... the piping for an MBA is a light shade of brown that I have only see in diapers (which I've been changing a lot lately)... still I will wear that hood with pride for graduation before probably taking a two-week nap... I'm currently looking for teaching positions and have applied for one teaching communications at an area tech school. It starts in January, so it seems ideal... please pray...

And since we're lifting up prayer requests, yesterday was a big day for people I know to have brain surgery. A cousin who is just more than two years younger than me had her second operation in a year to cauterize an artery that was "choking" a nerve and causing severe debilitating pain. She's been struggling with this for around three years now and all doctors seem to know is that it was spurred by a virus that irritated the arteries or something like that. It has been so terrible that she has fallen way behind in college (she should've graduated last year but is only a junior) because she cannot concentrate and reading (one of her favorite activities) is too painful. She is honestly the smartest person I know and is such a gifted writer, yet even writing papers was too hard because she couldn't concentrate enough to put her thoughts into sentences on paper. This summer she had to make the tough decision to drop-out of her dream school :(

Also on Wednesday, the sister of one of my best friends from my former job had surgery to remove tumors in her brain that were pressing on her spinal column and causing a radiating pain throughout her body. Sadly, these were all cancerous tumors and she has been battling cancer for almost two years now. She first found out she had breast cancer when she was pregnant with her third child. She started chemo during her third trimester and radiation immediately after he was born. Since then it has metastasized to her lymph nodes, lungs, liver, and now brain. She is determined to fight this to the end so her children will know she did everything possible to stay with them as long as she could, but what she's gaining in time, she's giving up in quality because she's so sick from the treatments and in so much pain from the cancer. Her husband has to keep working for the insurance, so my friend and his wife have basically stepped in as surrogate parents when need be, but it is all just so incredibly sad, especially when I think of their three young children who need their mom... but the good part in this is that they all have such amazing faith that has only continued to grow...

Now finally, for the first time in 26 years, my beloved Milwaukee Brewers are in the play-offs. I was there last week to see them clinch the NL Wild Card and will be in the stands on Sunday if the NLDS makes it to four games (which it will have to for the Brewers to win since Philly won game 1...) I am just so thrilled!

Lastly, the title of my post... One of my favorite things in the world to do, is sleep... I don't think I could ever get enough... I am an incredibly heavy sleeper and can fall asleep almost anywhere... put me in front of the TV and I'll be out as if I were hypnotized... Lately, however, I have been experiencing a great deal of insomnia and have stayed up way later than I would like to, considering I have to be chasing around a toddler at 7:30 in the morning. Last night I finally put down my book and turned off my lamp at midnight. I woke up when it was still dark out and was not the least bit tired. I LOVE the feeling you get when you wake up, look at the clock, and realize you have an hour left to sleep... well when I looked at the clock, it was only 4am... giving me three more hours of blissful rest... except that I could not fall back to sleep... I was NOT tired! So, after tossing for another 10 minutes or so, I decided to just get up... at 4am! I washed two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, took a nice looooong shower, ate a big breakfast and watched "Transformers"... I loved getting so much done before the sun came up! I expected to tucker out early and crave a nap by the time the baby went down, but I am still insanely wired... what's up with that?! At first I had this feeling of impending doom, just because it was so unusual for me, and I prayed for pretty much everyone I know, but I haven't received any devastating phone calls, so for now I am just going to feel blessed that God gave me so much extra time today... I hope yours has gone just as well...

Teppy Update...

Well, as my previous post reflected, Teppy had her first vet appointment today. She weighs a whopping 51 grams! However, a lot of that may not even be her own weight... it turns out she may not be as fat as Kara and I thought because the vet has determined the red, swollen bulge near her left shoulder is a mammary tumor, the only kind of tumor that would also affect her hormones to cause the patchy hairloss... Fortunately, we did not have to euthenize her today, but unfortunately, her cancer is terminal, and there is no way of knowing how long she has without having a very expensive biopsy done. Surgery is not a likely option because she is so small that the surgery alone could kill her, and it would cost about 12 times what she cost when we adopted her. We couldn't do that to her. There is also the option of giving her some prescribed drops that could temporarily keep the tumor from growing, but hamsters do not like the medicine, and it would only prolong the inevitable... eventually the medicine would stop working.

The doctor said that she is about 40 years old in hamster years, so she is basically middle-aged, and we would likely only have her for another two years if she were healthy. He did say that she doesn't appear to be in any severe pain right now... she's not limping and she's still eating regularly and running on her wheel, so all we can really do is keep an eye on her. There is a chance that we could wake up tomorrow to find a dead hamster in her cage, or she could live another year, simply adapting to the mass growing out of her side. We did purchase some vitamin drops for her water, and added a more antioxidant-rich mix to her food to attempt to slow the tumor's growth, but if she ever looks like she is having trouble moving, breathing, or she stops eating, we will have to have her euthenized... it's quite a sad thought :(

Providence > Temperance...

In the grand scheme of things, I know that this is completely trivial, but that doesn't make it any easier... our (Kara's and my) precious pet hamster, Dr. Temperance (Teppy) Brennan-Booth Jaeger (named after the title character from "Bones") has fallen ill with a mysterious ailment, and I am taking her to her very first veterinarian appointment tomorrow not knowing what to expect...

She has been slightly irritable, and biting lately, but we figured it was because we'd given her too many treats, so when we'd put our hands in the cage to pet her, she was probably conditioned to expect a treat, so she'd bite at our hands expecting it to be food. Then, a little over a week ago, we noticed small bald spots on her right cheek and left thigh. She's always been a scratcher, so we couldn't really tell if that was a cause, so I researched hairloss in hamsters on the internet. The most common cause is mites, but she didn't have any of the other symtoms (yellowish skin, scaliness, etc...), so the most likely possibility seemed like it might be a protein deficiency. This seemed feasible since she has reached her maturity and has been eating less of her cereal, yet drinking more of her water. We decided we'd get her some vitamin drops for her water to ensure that she was getting enough protein, but before we had a chance to get to the pet store I was changing her food dish and noticed that she her front left leg was completely bald, revealing a red, swollen bulge near her shoulder, and she was biting at herself :(

Needless to say, we've determined that the hairloss is likely the result of something more serious than a simple protein deficiency, so I resumed my research to see what could cause both the hairloss and the red, swollen mass... The two most likely causes are an abscess (likely caused by a scratch that became infected) or a tumor. If it is an abscess, the vet will simply drain it and prescribe an antibiotic. If it is a tumor, we will have to euthenize her :(

It was hard enough finding a vet in the area that will see hamsters (most are "dogs and cats only"), but I found two, and only one was able to fit dear Teppy in this week. Although she isn't acting as if she's in pain, the thought that she might be made us want to get her in as soon as possible, unfortunately, Kara works all day every day this week. So I will be taking Teppy to the vet by myself at 9am tomorrow, knowing I may have to drive home with an empty cage :(

Teppy was just a tiny baby when we got her... too small to even run on her wheel. We just celebrated her one-year adoption anniversary on May 26, and surprised her with a treat ball. Kara and I have been giving her lots of attention and treats this whole week, and Kara even let her try her first cupcake sprinkle this afternoon... we took pictures, and a cute little video, but tonight is harder than I expected because I know there is a possibility tonight will be our last night with her. If I have to euthenize her tomorrow, I will know it's what's best to end any potential pain she might be in, but it will be so hard... I just know I will bawl, which seems silly, because I know that losing a pet hamster is nothing compared to the struggles others face on a daily basis...

Just this week, one of my former co-worker's lost her husband unexpectedly... another co-worker's wife has an inoperable tumor the size of a football on her spine, and yet another is dealing with the frustration of his sister's recurring cancer... my sick hamster is nothing compared to what they are going through, but I am still sad... at 24.5 years old, I have never actually experienced the death of a pet, other than a fish or a zebra finch, which don't count because you can't play with fish or finches. They are not social pets... both cats and the dog we've had during my life never died while we had them, we had to give them away to better homes when our circumstances change, so even though I know it's unlikely any of them are still alive, and I know for a fact that one of the cats isn't, I never had to "say good-bye"... which is something you'd think I'd be used to by now, considering the number of people in my life who I've lost without warning.

Of course I would love the chance to see them once more and tell them what they mean to me, and say good-bye, but would knowing it was the last time make things even harder? I don't know, but it's pretty hard not knowing the fate of my hamster, and she is only a pet... not an aunt and uncle, or a grandparent, or a best friend... they have souls... animals don't, and sadly, I doubt that all hamsters go to heaven...

I am officially an RC!

OK, well technically not until August 1, but I have officially been offered, and have officially accepted the position!

I heard back from the Residence Life Director at my alma mater this morning and it was the best wake-up call I've ever received! The final details will not be worked out until next week, when the whole move-out week thing is over, but the important thing is that I have the job and I am absolutely thrilled! I cannot wait to be part of the college again, and for RA Camp!!! I know this will bring a whole new set of challenges than I faced being an RA, but I know I am ready because I did an incredible amount of praying about this, and will continue to rely on God for strength and guidance as I embark on this awesome new adventure...

In other job hunting news... I have found an opening for a Communication instructor at a local technical college that I'm planning to apply for. I'm not sure what the competition will be like, and I know I'll probably be at the bottom of the totem pole in terms of experience, but it would be such a fun job to teach people about effective communication for a living because, although it may be looked at as a "soft science" it is actually rather complex because everyone communicates and interprets communication differently, so there is always something new to learn and to teach. As the first cardinal rule of communication states, "You cannot NOT communicate." :)

Also, I've discovered that Hank Aaron will be receiving an honorary doctorate from my graduate school, and will be giving the graduation address next week... unfortunately, I don't finish until December :(

Job Hunting Season...

Well, I just heard back about the RC job I interviewed for last week, and it wasn't what I had hoped, but it wasn't necessarily bad either...

I was told I was one of two finalists, but since the other applicant had asked to be added to the waiting list first, the job was given to her. However, the residence life director told me she really wants me to work for her again, and it 90% sure on of the other RCs will be leaving to take another job. If he does, the job is mine, and I'll know for sure on May 12th... The best part is, she ended with, "I have a feeling God's going to work everything out." and I 100% agree with her... I'd been doing some heavy-duty praying about this position, and feel totally at peace with the results...

I feel less at peace with the realization that I am finally running out of funds and will have to deduct next months rent from my savinds account, so the job hunting has now gone into hyper-drive... Keep praying, Kate, keep praying...

I'll take a few...

If you're offering up some free prayers, I'll take a few...

There are a couple of things that have been weighing on my mind and my heart lately... most recently is an upcoming job interview this Wednesday. It is for a part-time RC postion at my alma mater, where I spent two wonderful years as an RA, and have always hoped God might call me back there some day to serve as an RC. There was an opening a year ago, but I was not ready yet. The amount I have grown in the last year astounds me, especially in my faith. Now that I'm pushing 25, I actually feel like an adult :)

My previous work with The Fish, showed me that it is entirely possible to impact the lives of those around you for good, but it also helped me to sort through my aspirations for the future. The Fish was owned by a publicly traded company, so when it really came down to it, it was responsible to its stockholders over its listeners. That is not what I want for my future. Investing money in a company is so temporary, but investing time and intangibles in a person and their eternal future can have an infinite yield. This is part of the reason I think I want to go back to teach college. Investing in the future of others is a wonderful opportunity, and I have a chance to live this dream as an RC.

I am really excited about my interview and this potential opportunity, but many of the current RAs I know have told me that the position has already been filled by a fellow former RA, and the interview process is only a formality. I desperately hope this is not true, but even if it is, I know that God will put the right person in this position, and He always knows best. I also know that if God does not have this RC job as part of His plan for my future, I will be very disappointed, and will be tempted to dwell too much on the negatives, so I am really praying for patience and acceptance during this time, regardless of the outcome.

The second area of unrest in my life is definitely more important, as it is spiritual. While I am still listed as a member at my former church, I have not been there in several months, as it just doesn't feel like the right "fit" for me in my life right now. I have every intention of transferring my membership, but I just can't find the one that feels right. The hardest part is that my parents have been attending the most wonderful church in my home town, but it is three hours away and I do not get home to visit very often. The church is so great that it makes it hard to find a church home here, because there is just nothing here like Woodlands and I find myself just wishing to be in a different place... if that makes sense...

I know I am where God wants me to be, even if it doesn't always make sense, and can be really uncomfortable not knowing everything about the future, but I my sister and I are getting along better than any other roommate I've ever had, and I'm almost finished with a grad program that feels like it was designed with me in mind (don't worry... I'm not so egocentric as to think that is the case). I know I cannot just move back home because I like the church there, but I am so hungry that it is looking pretty tempting.

There are churches I've visited that will have some elements I love, and other very important elements that just don't fit for me. I'm looking larger, but not too large that you feel like part of the scenery. Contemporary with the option for a traditional service with old school hymns every once in a while. Conservative doctrine with open hearts and open arms, and an enthusiastic youth group I can volunteer with. I am itching to volunteer with a youth group, and now that my grad program is almost over, I will finally have the time. And I hate getting up in the morning, so I really want the option of a Saturday night service.

I know this is picky, and a lot of these preferences are probably spawned by the fact that they are all elements I grew up with, so they are what I'm familiar and comfortable with, which I'm not sure is a bad thing, because they are great things to have in a church, but it can be dangerous when we start to get complacent about our faith, which is where I feel like I am heading. I need a church!

Getting Nose-y...

I just have to share my excitement over a letter that came from my insurance company (or rather, my mom's insurance company) this weekend, informing me that my proposed rhino/septoplasty has been approved! What, you might wonder, is a rhino/septoplasty? Well, in short, it is a nose job, but it is so much more than that... I have hated my nose since fourth grade, and not without good reason...

Let's start at the very beginning (*cue music for "Do, Re, Mi"* a very good place to start...)

I was born with a hereditary bone growth disorder (not as bad as it sounds) that, in short, causes the upper jaw to grow quickly, while preventing the lower jaw from growing at all. This can result in a number of side affects, most often including: a dis-aligned bite, a receeding chin, and painful problems with TMJ... (note: TMJ is a side affect and not everyone that struggles with TMJ has it as a result of this particular disorder.) The extent of these side affects can vary greatly, for example, one of my mom's sisters and her daughter both have this same disorder, but neither of them required surgery. My mom, however, underwent corrective surgery when I was going into Kindergarten.

When she started her treatment, I was 4 years old. It was the mid-eighties, so childhood orthodontia was still very experimental, but it was already know that this condition was hereditary, so my mother's orthodontist ran some x-rays on me to see if I shared her condition... I did, and he thought that if they started preventative orthodontia right away, they might be able to force my jaw bones to grow correctly, and prevent surgery.

This resulted in some very awkward elementary years. Before I even started Kindergarten, I'd been wearing retainers and head gear for a year, and had already had several teeth pulled. This not only made me look quite scary (having no teeth other than my molars and upper canines, I slightly resembled a vampire), but also made it very difficult for me to speak audibly... still it is pretty cool knowing my orthodontic journey is documented in a number of medical journals.

Fast forward to junior high, when I am about to get my braces off... and the orthodontist discovers that all of my previous orthodontic torture was in vain... I still had a severe open crossbite (only the two back molars on my right side touched, and the rest of bite was progressively more open to where the back two molars on my left side were an inch and a half apart when my mouth was completely closed... it didn't look as scary as it sounds, but did make chewing difficult and cause some painful tension in the joints of my jaw), and surgery was inevitable... So, when I was 15, the braces were put back on, and right after my freshman year of high school ended, I underwent several hours of reconstructive surgery...

First, my top jaw was broken, and bone was taken out to re-align the jaw. Then, my bottom jaw was broken, and my receeding chin was brought forward 1/4 of an inch. The bones in both jaws were secured with a number of plates and screws (for which I need to carry a certified letter from my oral surgeon when travelling on an airplane), and my mouth was wired shut for eight weeks. Though quite painful, the final result has been quite satisfactory... even though it took six months for the swelling to finally go down completely, and another year after that to finally get used to seeing a new reflection in the mirror...

When I was going through all the pre-surgical appointments with my oral surgeon, he mentioned that another side affect of the disorder was that I had a deviated septum, making my nose appear crooked, and creating a shallow sinus cavity on my right side... This explained so much, because when I was in fourth grade, my new glasses would not sit straight on my face, and when we went in to have them adjusted, the technician so gently pointed out that, "the glasses aren't crooked, your nose is crooked!" Since then, my crooked nose (which many people say they cannot even see) has been the first thing I notice when I look in the mirror, and I have vowed since the age of ten that when I graduated from grad school, I'd reward myself with a nose job!

When my oral surgeon pointed out that it was caused by my deviated septum, I was thrilled to finally have an explaination, but he was unable to correct it at the time of my jaw surgery, since my mouth would be wired shut, and all of my tubes would have to be put in through my nasal passages. Besides, the deviated septum was secondary to my need to chew my food, so he said if it ever started to cause me trouble, I could have it corrected at a later date.

I used to pray for a broken nose so that insurance would cover it, then last season, in my job with the Brewers, I took a baseball to the face. My nose definitely looked broken, but a doctor visit with x-rays showed it was merely "displaced cartilage" and the doctor simply (loudly and painfully) "snapped" my nose back into place... however (fortunately) there was some lasting damage...

Since that incident, I have started to develope breathing difficulties on the right side, and some recent test that required more tubes down my nasal passages proved quite painful due to the deviated state of my septum, so after our stations were sold, and I lost my job, I finally had time to look into getting it fixed. As it turns out, my right sinus cavity is slowly calapsing do to unusually soft cartilage as a result of the "baseball incident" and insurance is willing to cover the rhino/septoplasty!

It will be more invasive than your typical "hollywood" nose job, as my nose will actually be opened, broken, and skored in several places before a cartilage graft, and an inevitably torturous week of healing while my nose is stitched, splinted, and packed tightly with gauze, but I know what I am getting myself into (at least I'll be able to talk this time) and can hardly wait to get this things scheduled. I will definitely be sure to include any updates, and maybe a few scary photos of my bruised and swollen self... in the mean time, here is a shot from two weeks after my jaw surgery nearly a decade ago... please don't pay too much attention to the heinous pixie cut... we all make mistakes ;)

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Making a Fool of Yourself...

Step 1) Open your mouth...
Step 2) Insert your foot...
Step 3) Repeat as often as possible...

Yeah, I've got that down... People are going to begin to doubt the presence of my internal monologue, and start thinking I never think before I speak. That's, surprisingly, not always the case. I do quite often think before I say something, but I still end up saying the wrong thing. Like last night...

I was working the merch table at a local concert with a former co-worker and current friend. It was towards the end, and there were not many people left in the lobby, when I saw an unfamiliar book sitting on the table. The book was facing away from me, so I was seeing the cover upside down, but I did recognize a square-ish jaw line, semi-androgynous features, and curly, voluminous, slightly reddish hair in an outdated style. After thinking it through, my conclusion was not the logical choice of picking up the book, and looking at it from a non-distorted viewpoint, but to loudly, and excitedly exclaim, "Ooooh! Is that Carrot Top?!" I honestly thought it was Carrot Top on the cover!

Of course, it wasn't Carrot Top on the cover, as Kimberly quickly pointing out by shushing me... It was a woman who had attended the show and given a copy of her book, "The Unsinkable Stone" to Chad. She wrote the book as an account of her life and faith... her struggles and triumphs... and she certainly had a few that were highly admirable.

Born with a rare and severe form of cerebral palsy, this woman had spent her entire life in a wheelchair, overcoming significant physical obsticals to create ceramic art, and even write a book... and here I was, foot in mouth, unintentionally insulting her! Thank goodness she was no longer there, because I was mortified, but Kimberly and Jon sure got a good laugh!

Kimberly and Jon are welcome to laugh, because I know that they know I was not trying to be mean-spirited, and would never intentionally insult someone so brazenly, but had simply fallen victim to my own monumental naïveté yet again. They find incidences like this funny because they are not at all uncommon. At least not for me... Spend long enough with me, and I will eventually make a complete idiot of myself without even trying.

With all of the stupid things I have said and done over the years, it's a wonder I am even able to be embarassed anymore...

Congratulations to the Scheidts!

On March 1st, I had the honor of helping two very good friends celebrate their marriage to each other! Kate and Jay met at our former place of employment, and lasted through a very trying separation while Jay was in basic training for the army. At Jay's graduation, almost a year ago, they became engaged! This Saturday they tied the knot and it was one of the most beautiful weddings and receptions I have ever been to. These two are so in love! I pray God's greatest blessings on you both as you begin a very long and happy life together! Thanks for letting me share your day!

The Favre-d Ones...

Several hours of television were eaten up today by "breaking news" here in Wisconsin... not about a terrorist threat, no phenomenal natural disaster, or any such horrific occurance... nope... in the eyes of some Wisconsinites, it could be considered even worse... Brett Favre, of the famed #4 jersey, 38 year old record-holding quarterback of the Green Bay Packers for the past 16 seasons, former Super Bowl MVP has decided to retire... finally!

To say I am a Wisconsin native and not a Packer fan is almost considered treason by the die hard "cheeseheads" that abound here, and it is not even like I am an anti-Packer fan, or a fan of any other team... I'm just not into football... I'm indifferent.

So why am I relieved that Favre has finally decided to call it quits? Because I am so incredibly sick of hearing about nothing but the questions over whether he will or will not be returning for another season all off-season, every off-season. This is football! Not nearly as important as, say, a presidential election, but now that I've mentioned it... I'm sick of all the political debates as well.

See, I am a huge Brewer fan, and last time I checked, baseball was America's national pastime! Still, many Wisconsinites lost faith in our hometown team during their twelve season losing streak and have only now begun to rejoin the bandwagon now that they are doing well and "earning" the loyalty. Wishy-washy fairweathers really irk me, but that's not the point.

I am just in awe that such an exorbitant amount of unscheduled television time was dedicated to something as minor as an athlete retiring! Yes, I know it was the Brett Favre, and even I will acknowledge that he was a greatly talented quarterback, but he was just a quarterback... just another human being who happened to do something for a living that put him in the public eye, and nothing that warrants an hour and a half of consecutive "breaking news" interruptions on every network station!

It's called idolization, and it goes against God's First Commandment!

A Typical "Kate Moment"...

Close friends and colleagues will tell you I have an unintentional, self-depricating sense of humor. I say unintentional because, despite my hair color, IQ, and book smarts, I closely fit the typical "blonde stereotype"... In short, I can be a bit of an airhead, and am constantly learning to "look before I leap." Unfortunately, these lessons usually come about after a bout of extreme ditzyness... like yesterday afternoon...

A college friend was in town yesterday, and we met for lunch at a local greasy spoon. I was having serious issues with one of my contacts, and was without my usual supply of eyedrops. When I'd finally had enough, I used my spoon to scoop some water from my glass into my palm, and took my contact out to wash it off (yes I know it is poor manners to clean your contact off at the table, but the bathroom was filthy). I was feeling pretty proud of myself for being innovative, and thinking to use the water from my glass... until I put my contact in, and felt an incredible, blinding burn... Yes, I had forgotten that I had already squeezed a slice of lemon into my water glass!

It was one of those "I can't believe I just did that!!" moments, but it provided both of us with a good laugh, mostly because this was not an atypical sort of occurance for anyone brave enough to accompany me out in public...

Where Am I?...

I am one of those people who is a visual learner, yet lacks certain spacial reasoning skills. I am absolutely terrible with directions and if you tell me to, "Turn East at the lights," I will only be more confused. I grew up in a small, rural town and am very much a, "Turn right by the oak with the twisty trunk," kind of person, but living in a "big city" for the past several years has forced me to step outside of my comfort zone and drive on streets with several lanes of traffic, where traffic is more likely to be backed up because of an accident than a slow moving tractor, and the driver passing you is more likely to be flipping you the bird than offering a friendly wave as he rolls down his window to chat. I am not sure I will ever get used to city traffic.

Still, I get lost more than anyone I know. Friends and co-workers can vouch for this, as several of them have received a call with me freaking out, crying, "I'm lost!" Then they have had to try to figure out where I am and redirect me towards my destination. I received a GPS for my birthday last year, and it has helped somewhat, but it is not perfect either, and I am starting to learn not to wait so long before I admit that I am lost and ask for help, because the more I try to find my way on my own, the more lost I get! It is not like I start out expecting to get lost, and I do not know exactly how it happens, it just sneaks up on me and I suddenly realize that nothing looks familiar. I have no clue where I am, or how I got there, I am just in a place I was not expecting to be.

This situation is hardly exclusive to driving, it actually strongly resembles my life at the moment. At 24, I am six months away from finishing graduate school, and expected to be anywhere but where I am right now... suddenly unemployed after the company I worked for since graduating college was sold. While some of my college classmates were still looking for their first "professional gigs" that would put their actual degrees to use, I had a job I loved, my own office with a window, and an intern to supervise. I thought things were only supposed to go up from there! Now I find myself back at square one, in a place I never expected to be, wondering how to find my way. This time, however, I will not be putting in a frantic call to any friends or co-workers. I need direction from a much more reliable source.

As a Christian, I know God has promised to, "Work all things to the good of those who love Him," so I know that losing my job is only a pothole on the road to somewhere much greater, but for the time being, I am still sweating it out, completely lost. God's Word is a "lamp for my feet, and a light for my path," but He only sheds light on our paths one step at a time, and he only sheds light on our next steps when He knows the time is right, not necessarily when we want Him to. But what if, like me, you are both literally and figuratively afraid of the dark?

I like to take ownership of my successes, receiving all the credit and the praise, so I know from past experiences that God uses times like these to chip away at my ego, to say to me, "You can't do it yourself Kate, you need Me!" And when I am finally broken down enough to turn to Him and say, "I am nothing without You... I can do nothing good without You!" Then the sun rises and, bright as day, He shows me something greater than I ever could have imagined on my own... In the meantime, however, I need to take comfort in knowing that only God knows my future, and His plan, His timing, is always perfect!

Graduation...

I reached an important milestone today that was nine long years in the making. I hope that, in time, I will have the courage to elaborate, but I wanted to try and capture this amazingly free feeling so I can look back and remember how wonderful it feels...

There are other FISH in the sea...

"You can't tell God how, and you can't tell Him, 'Now!'" Words I've heard Margo, a mentor, say several times, but honestly, I'm having a hard time right now. For the past two years, I've enjoyed working a wonderful job in the promotions department for two Christian radio stations, with coworkers who truly felt "like family," and having the opportunity to build my faith everyday, while making a positive impact on others at the same time. Then, in a week's time, the rug was ripped out from under us. Our stations were sold and we are now suddenly left to find a way to move on while we are all still in shock.

I do not know how I will be able to enjoy another job as much as this one. Granted, it was challenging, and there were plenty of times I complained, but it was always worth it in the end... especially when we'd hear from listeners whose eternal lives were changed because of our stations. I just can't imagine not coming into the office and working with the same 20 people every day... it's heartbreaking, but the most heartbreaking, is to think of the listeners who will be without their favorite station.

Our listeners are so loyal... just like the employees (I honestly don't know what I'm going to listen to now)... and some of them will be fine. The ones who were already strong in their faith will still be Christians, and probably still listen to Christian music one way or the other... But the listeners that are right on the edge, and need us to give them that little nudge to cross the line... what will they do? I once heard a quote on evangelism and witnessing, "You may be the only Bible someone ever reads." Well, for some listeners, we are their church!

I am just so astounded that a company that prides itself on being a Christian-based company would be so "UGH!" Maybe the problem is that it does pride itself... and it is Christian-based. Because I have now come to be of the opinion that it is impossible for a company to be both "Christian-based" and "publicly traded."

When we're working extra hours, graciously agreeing to log "comp time" instead of charging the company overtime. We tell ourselves, "It's not about the money... It's about the ministry." But try quantifying that to the stockholders who are more interested in sums than souls... more concerned with building their portfolios than building the Kingdom... Don't make budget and you're considered dead weight they need to sell off... Make budget and you are now a profitable frequency that will bring in a good sale... Heads, they win. Tails, you lose... Sorry :(

I know that God has a plan, and will find a way to use this for good... but I've never been well-stocked in the patience department, and right now I'm pretty miffed... Looks like I'm in for another lesson in perseverance...

A New Normal...

It's been a rough week, but I always get emotional around this time of year. Seven years ago this past Tuesday, January 8, I lost my best friend. Not to an argument that ended our friendship... Not to growing pains that caused us to grow apart... We were kindred spirits in the truest sense of the word... Born only a week apart, and best friends before we were even old enough to know what a best friend was.

When I was seven, and my parents' separation caused us to have to move in with family six hours away, both our moms expected us to drift apart. After all... there is only so long that a boy and girl can be best friends before one or the other magically contracts "cooties." But, we stayed close. Partly because our mom's remained best friends and made sure we saw each other often, talked on the phone, and wrote letters. We even went on an annual vacation together every summer to one of the state bike trails.

The summer of 2000 was our last vacation together, and Matthew was going through a lot of struggles with depression and substance abuse. So much so, that his mom decided to move him to a different school, in hopes the change of scenery would help him get back on track... it didn't. The evening of January 8th, 2001, in typical Matthew impulsiveness, he decided the easiest way to end his pain, was to end his life, and he hung himself.

I cannot even describe the devastation. Matthew was the only friend I had who had known me from birth, and I never imagined that the boy I played with in the sandbox would not always be there. We were only 17... far too young to have to face such a harsh blow to my idealist world view.

At his visitation and funeral, his parents made a point of taking me aside, along with some close family friends from our moms' old Bible study group, and just praying over me for a good half an hour. I do not know if I would have been able to get through the pain without that incredible spiritual experience... it changed my life forever, thought it took some time for the changes to be recognizable.

For months I did nothing but sit around in my pajamas, pouring over old photo albums and watching old home videos over and over again. I couldn't bring myself to socialize with my other friends, because I felt guilty having fun. But a few months later, his mom was on the phone with mine, and she shared how hard it was for her to be going through his things. Then she shared that she had found a large envelope in one of his dresser drawers, and in it he had saved every one of the encouraging letters and cards that I had sent him. That was a major turning point for me... as was this past Tuesday.

For the past seven years, Matthew has been growing up along with me, in my mind... and let me elaborate before you start thinking I'm crazy... When I graduated high school, I was thinking, 'Matthew should be graduating.' When I moved into my room at college I was thinking, 'Matthew would be moving into his dorm right now,' and wondering where he would have chosen to go. When I turned 21, when I graduated college, I was always thinking about how, if Matthew were still alive, he would be going through the same things, but this year was different.

I am 24 now, which is a long way away from 17. I have two younger sisters who are 21 and 18. My younger brother is 17... he's just a kid! We were just kids! And my pain is completely different looking back as an adult, than it was as a devastated teenager.

It is by no means gone. I still miss him, and think about him almost everyday, but it is a different kind of pain. I have learned to cope with it... I've gotten used to it. And the best way I can explain it is the way a doctor explained things to a cousin of mine who was undergoing surgery for chronic pain. He told her that she would probably improve, but not to expect to feel the same as she did before the pain started. It would be a new normal for her. And that is how is has been with Matthew...

The pain hasn't gone away... I will never be the Kate I was before he died... It's a new normal. And it's the same with Christ... Once you come to faith, and decide to live your life as a Christian, out of love for His sacrifice, you will never be the same... It won't erase the memories of previous mistakes, but you will be able to live a new kind of life in spite of them... You'll be a NEW NORMAL!

Don't Make Me Count to Three...

Last night, our family got together with some other families from church to celebrate the New Year. One couple in attendance used to be youth group leaders when I was in high school, and the wife even accompanied our youth group to a large youth gathering when I was 17, and I just learned that she was my age when she took our youth group on that trip. Their enthusiasm for youth ministry played a big role in my desire to volunteer with a church youth group once I conclude my graduate degree.

The couple now has two young, feisty daughters, and my mother took it upon herself to swap some stories of her own feisty daughter's (me) in-church antics. While discussing the challenges of raising strong-willed daughters, I shared a bit of the logic behind why I was disciplined far more than my younger sister...

When my mother would give us "to the count of three" to stop whatever we were doing, Kara would stop immediately, but I always pushed. Think about it... If you're going to give me to the count of three, why would I want to stop on one, when I can continue to have fun misbehaving until two or two and a half?

The problem with this juvenile logic, is that you never know when she's going to get to three. Sometimes, in trying to push as far as I could, I would sometimes misjudge, and "three" would just sneak up on me, and before I knew it, I was banished to a chair in the corner of the dining room, or biting down on a bar of soap.

As I've continued to think about this, along with my usual goals for the new year, like becoming a better person, etc... I started to think about my human sinful nature, and, while it has been quite some time since I have heard my mom count to three, my childish strong will has not changed.

Sinning comes so easy for us humans, no doubt aided by the fact that the devil sugar coats evil to make sin seem like so much fun, but we have been warned that Jesus will return to earth and we will face judgement for our sins. It's tempting to believe we will always have tomorrow to turn our acts around, but we have been told that no one knows when Judgement Day will come. It could be hundreds of years from now, or before tonight is over. Don't let God get to "three" before you're ready...