"Through My Eyes"

After reading Tim Tebow's book Through My Eyes for RA Boot Camp, I was incredibly inspired. I've always thought it's important to let people know how they've impacted you for good. However, since Tim is an NFL player with the Denver Broncos, and not a personal mentor or family friend, you all get to read about it instead... If you haven't already read his book, please do! I promise you won't be disappointed.

Dear Tim-

I realize the chances of you actually reading this are slim, but I still felt compelled to share with you how your story is affecting a small Christian college in WI, and all the people here who are holding you up in prayer.

After serving as an RA in college and graduating, I’m now serving my alma mater as a Resident Counselor, mentoring students and RAs who were once my classmates and coworkers, and putting parents at ease when they send their kids out on their own for the first time. On Monday we will begin our annual RA Boot Camp. Two weeks of fun and hard work, building relationships with our team, and preparing them to handle any residential crises they might face in the coming year.

At the beginning of summer, all our RAs receive a package with their training materials, policy manual, and a book to read for our fall book review. Usually it’s something like The Purpose Driven Life or The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This year, our director surprised us by choosing Through My Eyes.

I have to admit, I was a little skeptical about her book choice. First of all, I’m a hardcore baseball fan, so while I don’t hate football, I am indifferent toward the sport. I expected your book to be all about football, and to be bored. It wasn’t, and I wasn’t. Football aside, most of the past books chosen for boot camp were written by middle-aged men, so I was also a little doubtful there would be much for my RAs and me to learn from someone in our own age group. Incorrect once again.

With the exception of two of my male RAs, who insist they don’t like you for the simple reason that you are a Bronco, and the Broncos “robbed” the Packers of a Super Bowl victory in 1997, when we were all in elementary school, our staff has been exceptionally inspired. I even know of one who is trying to emulate your workout routines.

Before I was half through your book, I was so impressed with your character that I purchased an additional copy to send to my brother in a care package when he returns to college. He is kind and intelligent, with a solid faith, but I know he sometimes struggles with bonding with his teammates, who are occasionally unsavory. Sometimes he makes wise decisions, and sometimes he makes mistakes, but having the misfortune (or blessing) of growing up in the middle of five sisters, forming relationships with his male teammates is very important to him. It will be good for him to read about another young man who knows about hard work and leadership, but also about disappointment and temptation, and is trying to do the right things. So, above all, thank you for setting an example for “kids” like my brother.

Actually, it turns out I need to purchase a different copy for my brother, as a family friend recently received a call to serve at a church on the UF campus in Gainesville, and I sent him the copy I purchased for my brother as an installation gift.

As I continued to read, I started underlining portions of your book to use in book discussions with my RAs. One of the most obvious parallels would be to relate your football teams back to our Residence Life team, but I think the more relevant point is that each one of us has a unique platform to serve God. It may not be on as grand a national stage as you, but whether our platform is in front of thousands, or a single person, God has gifted us all with unique talents and life experiences. It’s our responsibility, as children of God, to be good stewards of those gifts, to grow them, and to bloom wherever He’s planted us in life. Whether that’s leading a football team on the field, sitting on the sidelines, or cheering from the stands… Whether it’s nurturing a future campus leader, reaching out to an alienated or international student, or showing compassion to an embarrassed freshman while you hold her head over a toilet… Personal triumphs and broken hearts… We never know what God’s going to use to shine His light into someone’s life, so everything we do must be done to His glory.

I found many personal parallels in your story as well. From the tight knit family, to the mom who found every opportunity to teach me… My father was even a pastor turned medical missionary… I am, literally, eternally grateful for the people God placed in my life to make me who I am today, but also for the unique challenges I faced that helped me grow my own personal relationship with Jesus. It is not easy to be the pastor’s kid in a big church in a small town. A lot of people look at you to set the example for your peers, and that can be a lot to ask from a kid.

I’ve seen in the lives of many prominent public figures, authority figures in my own life, and even in my father’s own ministry, how taking a public stand for Christ can also be an invitation for Satan to put a target on your back. God delights when we lead one of His children to Him, but Satan delights in leading His children astray, and when you are held up in the public eye as a Christian, there’s a bit more distance for you to fall. I wholly believe that Satan specifically targets those with the strongest faiths and the greatest opportunities to build up, or cause damage to, the Kingdom of God. That is why I am committing to lift you up in my daily prayers.

I am praying that God continue to speak to your heart, and use you to bring Him glory. I’m praying for protection of your body as you take part in a contact sport, that your career would not be cut short by any drastic injury, and that He give you the stamina to optimally condition the body He gave you for football. More importantly, I’m praying for protection of your mind and spirit. Now that the lockout is over, I see what you meant in your preface about “spilled ink.” I’ve read some very negative things, some of which are rude or hurtful, some of which are downright inappropriate and unnecessary. I pray that the negative comments brush past you and you find comfort in the only Word that matters. I also pray that the positive words delight you, but do not allow you to become arrogant in the abilities and opportunities that God has given you to use in your earthly life.

I am praying that God continually build and fortify a genuine support system around you; trustworthy people close to you who can lift you up when your spirits sag, but also keep you humble, by speaking the truth in love. I pray for your family, and old friends, but also for new friends and outlets outside of the sports world. I am praying that, with this support system, you will have the defenses to withstand the temptations Satan lays in your path, and continue to be a light to those in darkness.

I’m praying for the work of your foundation and those working with you through your foundation. For people, like Adam Hubbs, who’ve already been impacted by your platform (and entered in at least one stranger’s prayer journal because of it), and for those still in need, who’ve yet to come to your attention. I pray that generous donations will allow you to continue your work, and that the Tim Tebow Foundation will remain true to its mission and never lose focus. In addition to your own foundation, I am also praying for your family’s and your father’s ministries, and their continued work in the Philippines.

Also, I pray that God begin preparing your next platform, whatever that may be, so that whenever the time comes for you to leave football (hopefully a long time from now), you are eager to take that next step, confident that you are going in the right direction.

There are at least 35 other members of our Residence Life staff who will be praying for you during the upcoming season, and beyond. I’m sure there are many others, also, who have been equally impacted by your story. We will also be paying extra close attention when the Broncos come to Green Bay in October.

I thank God for you, Tim Tebow! Keep shining!

-Kate

Odds, Ends, Updates...

I actually forgot about this blog for a little while, but it's not like anyone other than former FISH people read it anyhow, right? I'm attempting to start it back up so I can compile some of the journaling I've done into devotional lessons I can use with residents. That's one of the newer updates in my life...

Since my last entry (which was over a year ago? really?), I've started keeping a prayer journal. Now, I'm like Anne of Green Gables, in that I don't think we need to limit our prayers to set times, like before bed... And God already knows what's on our hearts, so sometimes we just need to feel the prayer. The important part is communicating with God from the heart, and bringing him our petitions as they arise. I pray several times throughout the day, whenever something strikes my mind or my heart, but to help me organize my prayers more, I've been keeping a journal of specific prayers for specific people, so as not to forget them. It's helped immensely.

If you're like me, there's so much going on all day long that, by the time you make it to bed, either you can't shut your brain off and insomnia kicks in, or you're out before you hit the pillow . If I try and save my prayers til the end of the day, I usually end up falling asleep before I'm finished. Instead, I've found there are dozens of other opportunities during the day... During a morning run, in the shower ('cause really, how much thinking does it take to wash your hair?), driving in the car, etc...

This helps me feel close to God's presence all day long, and it makes it instinctually easy to say a quick prayer whenever a worry arises, or I pass an accident on the highway, or something goes right and I need to say thanks. It has made my life immeasurably easier, and my faith inevitably stronger, something I pray for my friends, loved ones, and strangers on a regular basis.

More updates and insights "soon"...

Life's literal and figurative potholes...

One of our campus' neighboring streets is being completely refurbished this summer. This is great news, as a drastic repair is long overdue. At this point, it is more pothole than road, as the undercarriage of my car found out the hard way...

I used to take this street almost every morning, as it is the easiest way to get from the busy street I live on, to the busy street that leads to the home I baby-sit in. One morning, as I made my way down the street, I hit a pothole, and heard what sounded like something metal falling off of my car. I kept and eye out my review mirror, but didn't see anything left behind. I even checked under my car when I arrived, and couldn't see anything hanging from the bottom, so I figured I was good.

About a month later... a few weeks ago... I had to have the starter replaced, and I noticed a loud rattling sound when I got my car back. I immediately returned to the auto body shop to inquire as to the source of the rattle and was told I had a loose exhaust shield... most likely from running over something (like a pothole) but that it was nothing to worry about, and could just be hammered back up the next time I had the oil changed.

Today, I worked the Brewers' Home Opener (they beat the Cubs 4-3 in the bottom of the 9th - GOOD Friday :) and as I pulled into the employee parking lot, I heard a loud metal clang and something underneath my car scraping along the pavement. I checked under my car and saw a large, thin piece of metal half hanging onto my undercarriage, and half resting on the pavement. 'That must be the exhaust shield,' I deduced, and called the auto body shop on my way into work, before being told they couldn't fit me in to fix it until early tomorrow morning.

I ended up finishing early, and called back to see if they'd be able to squeeze me in this afternoon, and they were... so I pulled out of my parking spot, prepared to drive there with the hideous sound of scraping metal under my car. Fortunately, the piece of metal fell completely off before I got out of the parking lot, and the rattling was stopped. When I walked into the auto body shop carrying the large piece of metal, the worker immediately said, "Looks like you don't need me anymore!" Turns out it was the heat shield that fell off, and he told me I don't really need it and he would've just taken it off himself.

Things worked out pretty well, but what did I do on my way back to my apartment? Yep! I took the pothole infested street that got me into my predicament in the first place. Real smart, Kate.

I was thinking about this when I was walking back to my apartment after rounds, and noticed that one of the potholes on that street is so deep that you can see the mesh/wire/grid thing that goes under the concrete on roads! Why would I keep driving on this dangerous street, even after it caused a potentially dangerous problem with my car (what if that huge hunk of metal had fallen off on the highway?!)

Since the start of the initial rattling, I tried taking a different neighboring street, which proved to be just as hazardous because of the many parked cars and jay-walking students, and eventually settled on a much smoother, albeit longer, round-about way of getting to the girls' home in the morning. Despite my every intention to avoid that road, I often find myself driving down Pothold Path... like when I'm running late to baby-sit.

I will sometimes go down that road, knowing the potential hazards, simply because it is the quickest route to my destination. Other times, I will head down Pothole Path out of mere habit. I won't even remember that I'm trying to avoid it, or realize that I'm heading in a potentially hazardous direction, until I am already half way down the road and have hit several potholes. Can you guess where I'm going with this?

The potholes are a lot like our pet vices, the road being the sinful path to temporary satisfaction. As someone who's been playing tug of war with OCD for nearly 20 years, I know as much as anyone the comfort of the familiarity of the Broken Boulevard, and the discomfort of rerouting your commute by the Healthy Highway. Too often, when I get agitated, restless, or unsettled, when I encounter a major change in my life, I am tempted to take the easy, familiar path riddled with potholes, even though I know I will regret it later. Dealing with a broken car, or a broken heart later, is simply easier than dealing with the anxiety of the present... until it catches up with me...

I get both literally and figuratively lost more than anyone I know. I am very much a "turn left by the big oak with the twisty trunk" kind of girl. Fortunately, I was given a GPS for my 24th birthday, and it has helped me safely navigate my way to many new places throughout southeastern WI and northern IL, with much less stress than my previous excursions. Sometimes I forget it, and I get lost, but that just helps me remember and appreciate it even more the next time I'm in need of direction.

I'm fortunate enough to also have a GPS to help me navigate the potholes of life... my Bible... Just like the electronic GPS unit I use in my car, I sometimes forget it... or think I can navigate my way on my own. That just reminds me how important it is to study and familiarize myself with my life's roadmap. It might seem easier, or more fun, to get lost along the sinful path for awhile, but avoiding such eventually painful detours is the easiest way to ensure I arrive at my final destination safely!

A Light in the dark...

A few weeks ago, the RCs were given the responsibility of coming up with a devotion for our weekly meeting with the RAs. Our meetings are late at night, and I was finishing with the flu that was going around, so I missed the meeting, but we were supposed to each pick a favorite verse of ours and talk about what it means to us.

Choosing just one verse was incredibly difficult. Matthew 5:16 was my Confirmation verse, and one that I sort of use as my own personal motto. Proverbs 3:27 is another one that I reflect on when my job requires me to resolve undesirable situations, but the one I chose to share (then didn't) is Psalm 119:105: "Your Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path." This verse has served as an important reminder for me of God's provision during many uncertain times in my life and, at a time of extreme economic uncertainty, I thought it might be helpful to share with you how this verse has comforted and reassured me.

I'm a literal thinker, so in second or third grade, when our pastor used the verse in his sermon with the literal example of a lamp at our feet, those mechanics produced an analogy that has hit home many times. Since people don't really walk around carrying lamps in the dark anymore, think of God's Word as a flashlight...

The summer after eighth grade, our Confirmation class went on a weekend retreat to Camp Luther in northern WI. Lots of other Confirmation classes were there that weekend, but our group from Beautiful Savior stayed in the Fort Village, which was slightly secluded from the rest of camp... including the flush toilets. Being adolescent girls, we weren't too keen on the idea of using an outhouse in the middle of the pitch black woods, so we would opt for the dark and treacherous hike back to the bath houses at the main camp. During these walks, a flashlight was highly essential.

As a 14 year old girl, my fear would urge me to shine the flashligh straight ahead. That would provide me a dimly lit preview of the twists and turns on the path ahead. However, it would also provide me with an easy way to sprain an ankle. While I might be able to see where the path was headed, I'd have a limited view of the path directly in front of my feet, where rocks and roots waited to trip me up. Although a bit more frightening, it was far wiser to shine the flashlight down, at the path right in front of me. I wasn't able to see as far in front of me, but I was able to see enough to safely reach the bath house.

Like the flashlight pointed down, it's not really God's style to show us everything at once. I imagine if He did, things would be too easy for us, and we might not remember to look to Him for guidance. Still, He never leaves us in total darkness. He always gives us what we need (not necessarily what we think we need) to safely put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time down the path of life.

This can be unsettling for us sinful humans... especially in today's culture of immediate gratification. We want everything all at once and yesterday! That's when we exercise our trust in an all-knowing God. He knows what's at the end of the path, He built the bath house (oh my goodness - I just compared Heaven to a bathroom!) He gives us His Word to serve as our flashlight, our map. The more we immerse ourselves in it, the more illuminated the path becomes, and the less we fear the dark times.

That doesn't mean that life won't occasionally smack us in the face with a tree branch. We're sinners. We make mistakes, take the occasional detour, but God is always there to turn us back around and point us in the right direction! Knowing this serves as a huge comfort to me in such uncertain times. I don't know when I'll find a fulltime job with health insurance. I don't know how I'll pay off my student loans. I have no clue what the future holds, but I know that God will never leave my side.

Going Home...

This past Friday I had the opportunity to get together with 18 friends and former Salem staff to commemorate the sale of our station one year ago. It was so good to see all of them again... like a family reunion. However, it was pointed out to me how bad I am at sharing thoughts and updates on a regular basis... Evidently a few people actually read this blog - who knew?!

I guess the biggest thing going on in my own life right now is that I finished my graduate degree in December. I'm tempted to say, "FINALLY," but I know it only seemed like for-ev-er because I went straight through after college and was starting to feel really burned out towards the end (I partly expected to have a nervous breakdown - like the occasional marathon runner who collapses from exhaustion and/or dehydration just a few feet short of the finish line.) Well, I made it to the finish line and, for the first time in 20 years, there is no homework in my nearly foreseeable future (I'm eventually planning to pursue a PhD, but not until I've paid off my student loans and my brain has had time to recharge :) I have to say, it is a pretty amazing feeling to be 25 and be able to add "MBA" to the end of my name on my resume.

Speaking of resume's, I'm finding the search for a fulltime job to be quite elusive. It seems I am either too inexperienced or too overqualified for everything I apply for. It's mentally exhausting to be constantly searching and getting rejected (sounds like my love life ;) I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan and the right job will come along in His perfect timing - not mine. Patience has never been one of my gifts, as many of you have experienced first hand ;)

Hmm, what else is up with me? I bought my first car that is 100% mine. An older model vehicle with very low mileage and lots of bells and whistles... plus it's not one of Mom's old boats that I grew up driving... very exciting! My grandpa found her (yep, it's a girl - Geraldine, after Grandpa,) made a few repairs, and sold her to me for cost. Last week I put air in her tires (all four of them) all by myself - first time ever!

Other than that, I continue to baby-sit every day and am continually amazed by how quickly children can absorb information - like sponges, or ShamWOW's! I think I might be finally catching up on all the sleep I missed toward the end of graduate school, and I'm trying to re-learn the art of socialization... Not that I haven't always been on the more outgoing end of the social spectrum, but I've been such a nerd the last several years that I'm a bit rusty, a.k.a. boring... It's so tempting to just put my PJs on as soon as I can and spend the rest of the day vegging out and watching Netflix on my computer (which is not nearly as enjoyable when you don't have homework to procrastinate on.)

I guess that brings me to the closing, and a few prayer requests... First, for my Uncle Steve, who was recently diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (a cancer of the bone marrow) and is not only feeling the effects of the cancer (something like 4 collapsed disks in his back!), but is also starting a Chemo/radiation treatment program that is planned to last a year before culminating with a bone marrow transplant (the Docs will actually be re-planting his own bone marrow that was harvested and is being genetically altered as I write! The wonders of modern science!)

Next, that God will lead me to the right job, and that I would be patient and have the sense to follow where He leads. Also, for my parents, as the company my step-dad works for is being absorbed/closed. They aren't going to leave the rest of the family in the mid-west and relocate to Boston, which leaves him to search for a new position at a very inopportune time. I think it may actually be harder on my mom, if you can believe it. She just feels completely overwhelmed by their very large, empty house, and the desire to move closer to us kids, but knows that it is not really the time to think about trying to sell.

Finally, and most importantly (though I know all prayers are equally important in God's eyes,) my very good friend, Jon (who is doing very well, health-wise, since his heart problems this past fall :) and his family are in great need of God's comfort and strength right now. On Tuesday Jon called to tell me that the family had decided to stop his sister, Angela's, Chemo treatments. At the time they were giving her a month, but she had a really rough weekend and went Home to Jesus yesterday morning - almost two years to the day from her original diagnosis. The cancer was so spread throughout her body - she was so sick and in so much pain that the thought of how healthy and happy she is in Heaven now makes me misty, but my heart is breaking for her family, who will miss her so much. I know time will pass in an instant for her before she is reunited with them all, and her family has such a solid faith - they know they'll see her again, but her three little children who will grow up without her... it's almost too much, and that is exactly why they need to feel God's loving arms around them during this time of mixed emotions - the mourning and majesty.

Healing Prayers for the Hemmer Family...

Friends, I need to ask you all for some big time, heavy-duty prayers for the Hemmer family. In my last post, I mentioned the sister of one of my best friends who just had brain surgery, and is dealing with a lot of complications with cancer. Things have been so crazy for their family lately, that it has been hard to catch a free moment from my friend to get caught up on how she's doing, other than to be told that it's not good and the doctors can really only try to keep her as comfortable as possible from this point on. She came home from the hospital on Friday, almost two weeks after her last surgery.

As always, my prayers are with her, but now even more pressing is the condition of my friend, Jon. Jon had a heart condition as a child that had him in and out of doctors' offices and on life-long medication. This experience inspired him to enroll in a two-year program to become a pediatric echo-tech and work with other children with heart conditions after our beloved radio station was sold. However, with the return of his sister's cancer, he put that on the back burner to concentrate on helping with his niece and nephews. His family is incredibly close... His mom raised him and his sister on her own since Jon was a toddler, and he has really been their rock through all of the turmoil surrounding Angela's battle... which has left him, understandably, extremely stressed.

I was supposed to see Jon on Friday night for a VeggieTales event, but received a call from him that afternoon telling me that he wasn't going to be able to make the drive up because his back and shoulder had been bothering him, and also because Angela was coming home from the hospital that day. On Saturday I received a text from him asking me to design a poster for the band I have been working with, and for which he is the drummer/acting manager (Chad James)... I texted back that I could work on it on Sunday if he e-mailed me the specs. I never received an e-mail, but figured it was just "Jon being Jon" and spacing because he had so much else on his plate. Then, while baby-sitting on Monday morning, I received a call from the lead singer, Chad, and figured he was calling to ask about the poster, so I didn't listen to the voicemail until I was done babysitting later in the afternoon. I was shocked and saddened to hear that Jon had suffered a massive heart attack on Sunday afternoon!

From what I have learned, he was driving alone when it happened, and either went off the road, or pulled over. Someone passing by stopped, found him unconscious, and called 911. The doctors are not sure how much time passed before he was found, but they are estimating his brain was without oxygen for around 30 minutes. An initial brain scan was quite bleak, and doctors thought he may have also had a stroke. Fortunately, further tests showed that he did not also have a stroke, but they were keeping him on a ventilator in a drug-induced coma and were lowering his body temperature to 90°F. Yesterday, his condition was so critical that they were concerned that he wouldn't make it, or if he did, that he would have a very diminished quality of life... this as his sister is fighting cancer and he and his wife haven't even reached their one year anniversary...

Today, they started to bring him out of the coma, initially very gradually, so that they can do another brain scan tomorrow and hopefully receive some better results. As of this afternoon, he is off the ventilator, awake, and talking (only a little, which is very unlike Jon :) but he's pretty confused and is having trouble with his memory... he knows who people are, but if they leave the room for a while and come back, he won't remember that they were already there... Still, this is amazing progress given that only yesterday they were not sure he'd make it! Things are still touchy, but the fear that he won't make it has near dissolved, and they are now concentrating on getting him better and preserving a much quality of life as they can... as close to "normal" as possible...

This, to me, is so blatantly miraculous! Nothing, no amount of medical science could cause such a quick, however seemlingly small, turnaround in such a short amount of time except for God and all the prayers that have already been sent up on his behalf. He is still in the ICU in IL, and it looks to be a slow road to regaining his strength, so his family does not want a lot of friends making the trip down and tiring him out. Right now, what they really need is continual prayer. The whole Hemmer family has a strong collective faith in God, and I know that now, when they feel like they've just had the rug ripped out from under them, they will lean on him for strength, so please keep them in your prayers.

4:00 a.m. Wake-Up Call...

Long time, no blog... I guess time just got away from me... Life has been so busy lately that it constantly seems I am running out of time... Here are some updates:

Kara and I had almost two more months to enjoy Teppy before her tumor grew large enough to cause difficulty walking and she stopped eating. We had to euthenize her (though Kara voted for letting her go outside, where some animal could eat her)... We took her home to our parents' house in Stevens Point and buried her in a rubbermaid container by the stump of one of my Matthew trees. I know it seems silly to bother burying a hamster, but I couldn't do anything else.

About a week later Kara and I moved to a new apartment... actually the bottom half of a duplex... making it the 7th summer in a row I have packed up my possessions and relocated... It almost doesn't seem worth unpacking anymore, but I am determined to stay in the place for at least three years... hopefully longer. Our situation is quite unique as I am working as a Resident Counselor at my alma mater, and the duplex is included as part of my stipend... Yep, "free" rent, not to mention utilities, a meal plan, and a decent cash stipend as well... This is a GREAT job and I love being part of Res Life again! I oversee a group of 5 RAs, all with apartments on the upper-campus, 9 buildings, and about 100 or so residents... Of course there are the responsibilities like going on rounds at 3am, making up mandatory residential meetings at 5am, writing disciplinary sanctions, breaking up students guilty of pelvic "grinding" at the homecoming dance (Which is now referred to by a group of students as "The dance that Kate ruined!"... It has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you agree?) ...but it is also incredibly rewarding in a way I do not think I could accurately describe...

I have also taken a position as a part-time nanny for one of the other RCs. He is the campus pastor at a local high school, and his wife teaches third grade... they have three daughters: one in 1st grade, one in 4-K, and an incredibly strong-willed 18 month old who. Every weekday I come over to "play" (makes the kids feel more independent if I don't call it "baby-sitting"...) with the toddler from 7:30am-2pm... I know I'm probably a bit biased, but she is cute as a button and I miss her (and the other girls) over the weekends. What's the most fun is that so much is new to her and she is so easily amazed, plus now I have an excuse to be watching Curious George and VeggieTales (who I'll be meeting in two weeks :) I try to take her for a walk outside everyday because she thinks we're going "exploring" but I know that a short walk for my long legs is a long walk for her short legs and then she goes down for her nap pretty easy... Actually, she's napping right now... I usually bring my computer and homework and get work done while she sleeps, but I am soooo sick of homework.

Speaking of which, I am so close to finishing my graduate degree I can almost taste the huge beer I'm going to celebrate with after... I only have two weeks left in my current class, Managerial Accounting, and then my 8-week capstone, in which I will be creating a portfolio and doing a research project rather than a thesis. I have already received all my graduation garb and was quite disappointed to see the ugly hue of the hood... the piping for an MBA is a light shade of brown that I have only see in diapers (which I've been changing a lot lately)... still I will wear that hood with pride for graduation before probably taking a two-week nap... I'm currently looking for teaching positions and have applied for one teaching communications at an area tech school. It starts in January, so it seems ideal... please pray...

And since we're lifting up prayer requests, yesterday was a big day for people I know to have brain surgery. A cousin who is just more than two years younger than me had her second operation in a year to cauterize an artery that was "choking" a nerve and causing severe debilitating pain. She's been struggling with this for around three years now and all doctors seem to know is that it was spurred by a virus that irritated the arteries or something like that. It has been so terrible that she has fallen way behind in college (she should've graduated last year but is only a junior) because she cannot concentrate and reading (one of her favorite activities) is too painful. She is honestly the smartest person I know and is such a gifted writer, yet even writing papers was too hard because she couldn't concentrate enough to put her thoughts into sentences on paper. This summer she had to make the tough decision to drop-out of her dream school :(

Also on Wednesday, the sister of one of my best friends from my former job had surgery to remove tumors in her brain that were pressing on her spinal column and causing a radiating pain throughout her body. Sadly, these were all cancerous tumors and she has been battling cancer for almost two years now. She first found out she had breast cancer when she was pregnant with her third child. She started chemo during her third trimester and radiation immediately after he was born. Since then it has metastasized to her lymph nodes, lungs, liver, and now brain. She is determined to fight this to the end so her children will know she did everything possible to stay with them as long as she could, but what she's gaining in time, she's giving up in quality because she's so sick from the treatments and in so much pain from the cancer. Her husband has to keep working for the insurance, so my friend and his wife have basically stepped in as surrogate parents when need be, but it is all just so incredibly sad, especially when I think of their three young children who need their mom... but the good part in this is that they all have such amazing faith that has only continued to grow...

Now finally, for the first time in 26 years, my beloved Milwaukee Brewers are in the play-offs. I was there last week to see them clinch the NL Wild Card and will be in the stands on Sunday if the NLDS makes it to four games (which it will have to for the Brewers to win since Philly won game 1...) I am just so thrilled!

Lastly, the title of my post... One of my favorite things in the world to do, is sleep... I don't think I could ever get enough... I am an incredibly heavy sleeper and can fall asleep almost anywhere... put me in front of the TV and I'll be out as if I were hypnotized... Lately, however, I have been experiencing a great deal of insomnia and have stayed up way later than I would like to, considering I have to be chasing around a toddler at 7:30 in the morning. Last night I finally put down my book and turned off my lamp at midnight. I woke up when it was still dark out and was not the least bit tired. I LOVE the feeling you get when you wake up, look at the clock, and realize you have an hour left to sleep... well when I looked at the clock, it was only 4am... giving me three more hours of blissful rest... except that I could not fall back to sleep... I was NOT tired! So, after tossing for another 10 minutes or so, I decided to just get up... at 4am! I washed two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, took a nice looooong shower, ate a big breakfast and watched "Transformers"... I loved getting so much done before the sun came up! I expected to tucker out early and crave a nap by the time the baby went down, but I am still insanely wired... what's up with that?! At first I had this feeling of impending doom, just because it was so unusual for me, and I prayed for pretty much everyone I know, but I haven't received any devastating phone calls, so for now I am just going to feel blessed that God gave me so much extra time today... I hope yours has gone just as well...

Teppy Update...

Well, as my previous post reflected, Teppy had her first vet appointment today. She weighs a whopping 51 grams! However, a lot of that may not even be her own weight... it turns out she may not be as fat as Kara and I thought because the vet has determined the red, swollen bulge near her left shoulder is a mammary tumor, the only kind of tumor that would also affect her hormones to cause the patchy hairloss... Fortunately, we did not have to euthenize her today, but unfortunately, her cancer is terminal, and there is no way of knowing how long she has without having a very expensive biopsy done. Surgery is not a likely option because she is so small that the surgery alone could kill her, and it would cost about 12 times what she cost when we adopted her. We couldn't do that to her. There is also the option of giving her some prescribed drops that could temporarily keep the tumor from growing, but hamsters do not like the medicine, and it would only prolong the inevitable... eventually the medicine would stop working.

The doctor said that she is about 40 years old in hamster years, so she is basically middle-aged, and we would likely only have her for another two years if she were healthy. He did say that she doesn't appear to be in any severe pain right now... she's not limping and she's still eating regularly and running on her wheel, so all we can really do is keep an eye on her. There is a chance that we could wake up tomorrow to find a dead hamster in her cage, or she could live another year, simply adapting to the mass growing out of her side. We did purchase some vitamin drops for her water, and added a more antioxidant-rich mix to her food to attempt to slow the tumor's growth, but if she ever looks like she is having trouble moving, breathing, or she stops eating, we will have to have her euthenized... it's quite a sad thought :(

Providence > Temperance...

In the grand scheme of things, I know that this is completely trivial, but that doesn't make it any easier... our (Kara's and my) precious pet hamster, Dr. Temperance (Teppy) Brennan-Booth Jaeger (named after the title character from "Bones") has fallen ill with a mysterious ailment, and I am taking her to her very first veterinarian appointment tomorrow not knowing what to expect...

She has been slightly irritable, and biting lately, but we figured it was because we'd given her too many treats, so when we'd put our hands in the cage to pet her, she was probably conditioned to expect a treat, so she'd bite at our hands expecting it to be food. Then, a little over a week ago, we noticed small bald spots on her right cheek and left thigh. She's always been a scratcher, so we couldn't really tell if that was a cause, so I researched hairloss in hamsters on the internet. The most common cause is mites, but she didn't have any of the other symtoms (yellowish skin, scaliness, etc...), so the most likely possibility seemed like it might be a protein deficiency. This seemed feasible since she has reached her maturity and has been eating less of her cereal, yet drinking more of her water. We decided we'd get her some vitamin drops for her water to ensure that she was getting enough protein, but before we had a chance to get to the pet store I was changing her food dish and noticed that she her front left leg was completely bald, revealing a red, swollen bulge near her shoulder, and she was biting at herself :(

Needless to say, we've determined that the hairloss is likely the result of something more serious than a simple protein deficiency, so I resumed my research to see what could cause both the hairloss and the red, swollen mass... The two most likely causes are an abscess (likely caused by a scratch that became infected) or a tumor. If it is an abscess, the vet will simply drain it and prescribe an antibiotic. If it is a tumor, we will have to euthenize her :(

It was hard enough finding a vet in the area that will see hamsters (most are "dogs and cats only"), but I found two, and only one was able to fit dear Teppy in this week. Although she isn't acting as if she's in pain, the thought that she might be made us want to get her in as soon as possible, unfortunately, Kara works all day every day this week. So I will be taking Teppy to the vet by myself at 9am tomorrow, knowing I may have to drive home with an empty cage :(

Teppy was just a tiny baby when we got her... too small to even run on her wheel. We just celebrated her one-year adoption anniversary on May 26, and surprised her with a treat ball. Kara and I have been giving her lots of attention and treats this whole week, and Kara even let her try her first cupcake sprinkle this afternoon... we took pictures, and a cute little video, but tonight is harder than I expected because I know there is a possibility tonight will be our last night with her. If I have to euthenize her tomorrow, I will know it's what's best to end any potential pain she might be in, but it will be so hard... I just know I will bawl, which seems silly, because I know that losing a pet hamster is nothing compared to the struggles others face on a daily basis...

Just this week, one of my former co-worker's lost her husband unexpectedly... another co-worker's wife has an inoperable tumor the size of a football on her spine, and yet another is dealing with the frustration of his sister's recurring cancer... my sick hamster is nothing compared to what they are going through, but I am still sad... at 24.5 years old, I have never actually experienced the death of a pet, other than a fish or a zebra finch, which don't count because you can't play with fish or finches. They are not social pets... both cats and the dog we've had during my life never died while we had them, we had to give them away to better homes when our circumstances change, so even though I know it's unlikely any of them are still alive, and I know for a fact that one of the cats isn't, I never had to "say good-bye"... which is something you'd think I'd be used to by now, considering the number of people in my life who I've lost without warning.

Of course I would love the chance to see them once more and tell them what they mean to me, and say good-bye, but would knowing it was the last time make things even harder? I don't know, but it's pretty hard not knowing the fate of my hamster, and she is only a pet... not an aunt and uncle, or a grandparent, or a best friend... they have souls... animals don't, and sadly, I doubt that all hamsters go to heaven...

I am officially an RC!

OK, well technically not until August 1, but I have officially been offered, and have officially accepted the position!

I heard back from the Residence Life Director at my alma mater this morning and it was the best wake-up call I've ever received! The final details will not be worked out until next week, when the whole move-out week thing is over, but the important thing is that I have the job and I am absolutely thrilled! I cannot wait to be part of the college again, and for RA Camp!!! I know this will bring a whole new set of challenges than I faced being an RA, but I know I am ready because I did an incredible amount of praying about this, and will continue to rely on God for strength and guidance as I embark on this awesome new adventure...

In other job hunting news... I have found an opening for a Communication instructor at a local technical college that I'm planning to apply for. I'm not sure what the competition will be like, and I know I'll probably be at the bottom of the totem pole in terms of experience, but it would be such a fun job to teach people about effective communication for a living because, although it may be looked at as a "soft science" it is actually rather complex because everyone communicates and interprets communication differently, so there is always something new to learn and to teach. As the first cardinal rule of communication states, "You cannot NOT communicate." :)

Also, I've discovered that Hank Aaron will be receiving an honorary doctorate from my graduate school, and will be giving the graduation address next week... unfortunately, I don't finish until December :(

Job Hunting Season...

Well, I just heard back about the RC job I interviewed for last week, and it wasn't what I had hoped, but it wasn't necessarily bad either...

I was told I was one of two finalists, but since the other applicant had asked to be added to the waiting list first, the job was given to her. However, the residence life director told me she really wants me to work for her again, and it 90% sure on of the other RCs will be leaving to take another job. If he does, the job is mine, and I'll know for sure on May 12th... The best part is, she ended with, "I have a feeling God's going to work everything out." and I 100% agree with her... I'd been doing some heavy-duty praying about this position, and feel totally at peace with the results...

I feel less at peace with the realization that I am finally running out of funds and will have to deduct next months rent from my savinds account, so the job hunting has now gone into hyper-drive... Keep praying, Kate, keep praying...

I'll take a few...

If you're offering up some free prayers, I'll take a few...

There are a couple of things that have been weighing on my mind and my heart lately... most recently is an upcoming job interview this Wednesday. It is for a part-time RC postion at my alma mater, where I spent two wonderful years as an RA, and have always hoped God might call me back there some day to serve as an RC. There was an opening a year ago, but I was not ready yet. The amount I have grown in the last year astounds me, especially in my faith. Now that I'm pushing 25, I actually feel like an adult :)

My previous work with The Fish, showed me that it is entirely possible to impact the lives of those around you for good, but it also helped me to sort through my aspirations for the future. The Fish was owned by a publicly traded company, so when it really came down to it, it was responsible to its stockholders over its listeners. That is not what I want for my future. Investing money in a company is so temporary, but investing time and intangibles in a person and their eternal future can have an infinite yield. This is part of the reason I think I want to go back to teach college. Investing in the future of others is a wonderful opportunity, and I have a chance to live this dream as an RC.

I am really excited about my interview and this potential opportunity, but many of the current RAs I know have told me that the position has already been filled by a fellow former RA, and the interview process is only a formality. I desperately hope this is not true, but even if it is, I know that God will put the right person in this position, and He always knows best. I also know that if God does not have this RC job as part of His plan for my future, I will be very disappointed, and will be tempted to dwell too much on the negatives, so I am really praying for patience and acceptance during this time, regardless of the outcome.

The second area of unrest in my life is definitely more important, as it is spiritual. While I am still listed as a member at my former church, I have not been there in several months, as it just doesn't feel like the right "fit" for me in my life right now. I have every intention of transferring my membership, but I just can't find the one that feels right. The hardest part is that my parents have been attending the most wonderful church in my home town, but it is three hours away and I do not get home to visit very often. The church is so great that it makes it hard to find a church home here, because there is just nothing here like Woodlands and I find myself just wishing to be in a different place... if that makes sense...

I know I am where God wants me to be, even if it doesn't always make sense, and can be really uncomfortable not knowing everything about the future, but I my sister and I are getting along better than any other roommate I've ever had, and I'm almost finished with a grad program that feels like it was designed with me in mind (don't worry... I'm not so egocentric as to think that is the case). I know I cannot just move back home because I like the church there, but I am so hungry that it is looking pretty tempting.

There are churches I've visited that will have some elements I love, and other very important elements that just don't fit for me. I'm looking larger, but not too large that you feel like part of the scenery. Contemporary with the option for a traditional service with old school hymns every once in a while. Conservative doctrine with open hearts and open arms, and an enthusiastic youth group I can volunteer with. I am itching to volunteer with a youth group, and now that my grad program is almost over, I will finally have the time. And I hate getting up in the morning, so I really want the option of a Saturday night service.

I know this is picky, and a lot of these preferences are probably spawned by the fact that they are all elements I grew up with, so they are what I'm familiar and comfortable with, which I'm not sure is a bad thing, because they are great things to have in a church, but it can be dangerous when we start to get complacent about our faith, which is where I feel like I am heading. I need a church!

Getting Nose-y...

I just have to share my excitement over a letter that came from my insurance company (or rather, my mom's insurance company) this weekend, informing me that my proposed rhino/septoplasty has been approved! What, you might wonder, is a rhino/septoplasty? Well, in short, it is a nose job, but it is so much more than that... I have hated my nose since fourth grade, and not without good reason...

Let's start at the very beginning (*cue music for "Do, Re, Mi"* a very good place to start...)

I was born with a hereditary bone growth disorder (not as bad as it sounds) that, in short, causes the upper jaw to grow quickly, while preventing the lower jaw from growing at all. This can result in a number of side affects, most often including: a dis-aligned bite, a receeding chin, and painful problems with TMJ... (note: TMJ is a side affect and not everyone that struggles with TMJ has it as a result of this particular disorder.) The extent of these side affects can vary greatly, for example, one of my mom's sisters and her daughter both have this same disorder, but neither of them required surgery. My mom, however, underwent corrective surgery when I was going into Kindergarten.

When she started her treatment, I was 4 years old. It was the mid-eighties, so childhood orthodontia was still very experimental, but it was already know that this condition was hereditary, so my mother's orthodontist ran some x-rays on me to see if I shared her condition... I did, and he thought that if they started preventative orthodontia right away, they might be able to force my jaw bones to grow correctly, and prevent surgery.

This resulted in some very awkward elementary years. Before I even started Kindergarten, I'd been wearing retainers and head gear for a year, and had already had several teeth pulled. This not only made me look quite scary (having no teeth other than my molars and upper canines, I slightly resembled a vampire), but also made it very difficult for me to speak audibly... still it is pretty cool knowing my orthodontic journey is documented in a number of medical journals.

Fast forward to junior high, when I am about to get my braces off... and the orthodontist discovers that all of my previous orthodontic torture was in vain... I still had a severe open crossbite (only the two back molars on my right side touched, and the rest of bite was progressively more open to where the back two molars on my left side were an inch and a half apart when my mouth was completely closed... it didn't look as scary as it sounds, but did make chewing difficult and cause some painful tension in the joints of my jaw), and surgery was inevitable... So, when I was 15, the braces were put back on, and right after my freshman year of high school ended, I underwent several hours of reconstructive surgery...

First, my top jaw was broken, and bone was taken out to re-align the jaw. Then, my bottom jaw was broken, and my receeding chin was brought forward 1/4 of an inch. The bones in both jaws were secured with a number of plates and screws (for which I need to carry a certified letter from my oral surgeon when travelling on an airplane), and my mouth was wired shut for eight weeks. Though quite painful, the final result has been quite satisfactory... even though it took six months for the swelling to finally go down completely, and another year after that to finally get used to seeing a new reflection in the mirror...

When I was going through all the pre-surgical appointments with my oral surgeon, he mentioned that another side affect of the disorder was that I had a deviated septum, making my nose appear crooked, and creating a shallow sinus cavity on my right side... This explained so much, because when I was in fourth grade, my new glasses would not sit straight on my face, and when we went in to have them adjusted, the technician so gently pointed out that, "the glasses aren't crooked, your nose is crooked!" Since then, my crooked nose (which many people say they cannot even see) has been the first thing I notice when I look in the mirror, and I have vowed since the age of ten that when I graduated from grad school, I'd reward myself with a nose job!

When my oral surgeon pointed out that it was caused by my deviated septum, I was thrilled to finally have an explaination, but he was unable to correct it at the time of my jaw surgery, since my mouth would be wired shut, and all of my tubes would have to be put in through my nasal passages. Besides, the deviated septum was secondary to my need to chew my food, so he said if it ever started to cause me trouble, I could have it corrected at a later date.

I used to pray for a broken nose so that insurance would cover it, then last season, in my job with the Brewers, I took a baseball to the face. My nose definitely looked broken, but a doctor visit with x-rays showed it was merely "displaced cartilage" and the doctor simply (loudly and painfully) "snapped" my nose back into place... however (fortunately) there was some lasting damage...

Since that incident, I have started to develope breathing difficulties on the right side, and some recent test that required more tubes down my nasal passages proved quite painful due to the deviated state of my septum, so after our stations were sold, and I lost my job, I finally had time to look into getting it fixed. As it turns out, my right sinus cavity is slowly calapsing do to unusually soft cartilage as a result of the "baseball incident" and insurance is willing to cover the rhino/septoplasty!

It will be more invasive than your typical "hollywood" nose job, as my nose will actually be opened, broken, and skored in several places before a cartilage graft, and an inevitably torturous week of healing while my nose is stitched, splinted, and packed tightly with gauze, but I know what I am getting myself into (at least I'll be able to talk this time) and can hardly wait to get this things scheduled. I will definitely be sure to include any updates, and maybe a few scary photos of my bruised and swollen self... in the mean time, here is a shot from two weeks after my jaw surgery nearly a decade ago... please don't pay too much attention to the heinous pixie cut... we all make mistakes ;)

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Making a Fool of Yourself...

Step 1) Open your mouth...
Step 2) Insert your foot...
Step 3) Repeat as often as possible...

Yeah, I've got that down... People are going to begin to doubt the presence of my internal monologue, and start thinking I never think before I speak. That's, surprisingly, not always the case. I do quite often think before I say something, but I still end up saying the wrong thing. Like last night...

I was working the merch table at a local concert with a former co-worker and current friend. It was towards the end, and there were not many people left in the lobby, when I saw an unfamiliar book sitting on the table. The book was facing away from me, so I was seeing the cover upside down, but I did recognize a square-ish jaw line, semi-androgynous features, and curly, voluminous, slightly reddish hair in an outdated style. After thinking it through, my conclusion was not the logical choice of picking up the book, and looking at it from a non-distorted viewpoint, but to loudly, and excitedly exclaim, "Ooooh! Is that Carrot Top?!" I honestly thought it was Carrot Top on the cover!

Of course, it wasn't Carrot Top on the cover, as Kimberly quickly pointing out by shushing me... It was a woman who had attended the show and given a copy of her book, "The Unsinkable Stone" to Chad. She wrote the book as an account of her life and faith... her struggles and triumphs... and she certainly had a few that were highly admirable.

Born with a rare and severe form of cerebral palsy, this woman had spent her entire life in a wheelchair, overcoming significant physical obsticals to create ceramic art, and even write a book... and here I was, foot in mouth, unintentionally insulting her! Thank goodness she was no longer there, because I was mortified, but Kimberly and Jon sure got a good laugh!

Kimberly and Jon are welcome to laugh, because I know that they know I was not trying to be mean-spirited, and would never intentionally insult someone so brazenly, but had simply fallen victim to my own monumental naïveté yet again. They find incidences like this funny because they are not at all uncommon. At least not for me... Spend long enough with me, and I will eventually make a complete idiot of myself without even trying.

With all of the stupid things I have said and done over the years, it's a wonder I am even able to be embarassed anymore...

Congratulations to the Scheidts!

On March 1st, I had the honor of helping two very good friends celebrate their marriage to each other! Kate and Jay met at our former place of employment, and lasted through a very trying separation while Jay was in basic training for the army. At Jay's graduation, almost a year ago, they became engaged! This Saturday they tied the knot and it was one of the most beautiful weddings and receptions I have ever been to. These two are so in love! I pray God's greatest blessings on you both as you begin a very long and happy life together! Thanks for letting me share your day!

The Favre-d Ones...

Several hours of television were eaten up today by "breaking news" here in Wisconsin... not about a terrorist threat, no phenomenal natural disaster, or any such horrific occurance... nope... in the eyes of some Wisconsinites, it could be considered even worse... Brett Favre, of the famed #4 jersey, 38 year old record-holding quarterback of the Green Bay Packers for the past 16 seasons, former Super Bowl MVP has decided to retire... finally!

To say I am a Wisconsin native and not a Packer fan is almost considered treason by the die hard "cheeseheads" that abound here, and it is not even like I am an anti-Packer fan, or a fan of any other team... I'm just not into football... I'm indifferent.

So why am I relieved that Favre has finally decided to call it quits? Because I am so incredibly sick of hearing about nothing but the questions over whether he will or will not be returning for another season all off-season, every off-season. This is football! Not nearly as important as, say, a presidential election, but now that I've mentioned it... I'm sick of all the political debates as well.

See, I am a huge Brewer fan, and last time I checked, baseball was America's national pastime! Still, many Wisconsinites lost faith in our hometown team during their twelve season losing streak and have only now begun to rejoin the bandwagon now that they are doing well and "earning" the loyalty. Wishy-washy fairweathers really irk me, but that's not the point.

I am just in awe that such an exorbitant amount of unscheduled television time was dedicated to something as minor as an athlete retiring! Yes, I know it was the Brett Favre, and even I will acknowledge that he was a greatly talented quarterback, but he was just a quarterback... just another human being who happened to do something for a living that put him in the public eye, and nothing that warrants an hour and a half of consecutive "breaking news" interruptions on every network station!

It's called idolization, and it goes against God's First Commandment!

A Typical "Kate Moment"...

Close friends and colleagues will tell you I have an unintentional, self-depricating sense of humor. I say unintentional because, despite my hair color, IQ, and book smarts, I closely fit the typical "blonde stereotype"... In short, I can be a bit of an airhead, and am constantly learning to "look before I leap." Unfortunately, these lessons usually come about after a bout of extreme ditzyness... like yesterday afternoon...

A college friend was in town yesterday, and we met for lunch at a local greasy spoon. I was having serious issues with one of my contacts, and was without my usual supply of eyedrops. When I'd finally had enough, I used my spoon to scoop some water from my glass into my palm, and took my contact out to wash it off (yes I know it is poor manners to clean your contact off at the table, but the bathroom was filthy). I was feeling pretty proud of myself for being innovative, and thinking to use the water from my glass... until I put my contact in, and felt an incredible, blinding burn... Yes, I had forgotten that I had already squeezed a slice of lemon into my water glass!

It was one of those "I can't believe I just did that!!" moments, but it provided both of us with a good laugh, mostly because this was not an atypical sort of occurance for anyone brave enough to accompany me out in public...

Where Am I?...

I am one of those people who is a visual learner, yet lacks certain spacial reasoning skills. I am absolutely terrible with directions and if you tell me to, "Turn East at the lights," I will only be more confused. I grew up in a small, rural town and am very much a, "Turn right by the oak with the twisty trunk," kind of person, but living in a "big city" for the past several years has forced me to step outside of my comfort zone and drive on streets with several lanes of traffic, where traffic is more likely to be backed up because of an accident than a slow moving tractor, and the driver passing you is more likely to be flipping you the bird than offering a friendly wave as he rolls down his window to chat. I am not sure I will ever get used to city traffic.

Still, I get lost more than anyone I know. Friends and co-workers can vouch for this, as several of them have received a call with me freaking out, crying, "I'm lost!" Then they have had to try to figure out where I am and redirect me towards my destination. I received a GPS for my birthday last year, and it has helped somewhat, but it is not perfect either, and I am starting to learn not to wait so long before I admit that I am lost and ask for help, because the more I try to find my way on my own, the more lost I get! It is not like I start out expecting to get lost, and I do not know exactly how it happens, it just sneaks up on me and I suddenly realize that nothing looks familiar. I have no clue where I am, or how I got there, I am just in a place I was not expecting to be.

This situation is hardly exclusive to driving, it actually strongly resembles my life at the moment. At 24, I am six months away from finishing graduate school, and expected to be anywhere but where I am right now... suddenly unemployed after the company I worked for since graduating college was sold. While some of my college classmates were still looking for their first "professional gigs" that would put their actual degrees to use, I had a job I loved, my own office with a window, and an intern to supervise. I thought things were only supposed to go up from there! Now I find myself back at square one, in a place I never expected to be, wondering how to find my way. This time, however, I will not be putting in a frantic call to any friends or co-workers. I need direction from a much more reliable source.

As a Christian, I know God has promised to, "Work all things to the good of those who love Him," so I know that losing my job is only a pothole on the road to somewhere much greater, but for the time being, I am still sweating it out, completely lost. God's Word is a "lamp for my feet, and a light for my path," but He only sheds light on our paths one step at a time, and he only sheds light on our next steps when He knows the time is right, not necessarily when we want Him to. But what if, like me, you are both literally and figuratively afraid of the dark?

I like to take ownership of my successes, receiving all the credit and the praise, so I know from past experiences that God uses times like these to chip away at my ego, to say to me, "You can't do it yourself Kate, you need Me!" And when I am finally broken down enough to turn to Him and say, "I am nothing without You... I can do nothing good without You!" Then the sun rises and, bright as day, He shows me something greater than I ever could have imagined on my own... In the meantime, however, I need to take comfort in knowing that only God knows my future, and His plan, His timing, is always perfect!

Graduation...

I reached an important milestone today that was nine long years in the making. I hope that, in time, I will have the courage to elaborate, but I wanted to try and capture this amazingly free feeling so I can look back and remember how wonderful it feels...

There are other FISH in the sea...

"You can't tell God how, and you can't tell Him, 'Now!'" Words I've heard Margo, a mentor, say several times, but honestly, I'm having a hard time right now. For the past two years, I've enjoyed working a wonderful job in the promotions department for two Christian radio stations, with coworkers who truly felt "like family," and having the opportunity to build my faith everyday, while making a positive impact on others at the same time. Then, in a week's time, the rug was ripped out from under us. Our stations were sold and we are now suddenly left to find a way to move on while we are all still in shock.

I do not know how I will be able to enjoy another job as much as this one. Granted, it was challenging, and there were plenty of times I complained, but it was always worth it in the end... especially when we'd hear from listeners whose eternal lives were changed because of our stations. I just can't imagine not coming into the office and working with the same 20 people every day... it's heartbreaking, but the most heartbreaking, is to think of the listeners who will be without their favorite station.

Our listeners are so loyal... just like the employees (I honestly don't know what I'm going to listen to now)... and some of them will be fine. The ones who were already strong in their faith will still be Christians, and probably still listen to Christian music one way or the other... But the listeners that are right on the edge, and need us to give them that little nudge to cross the line... what will they do? I once heard a quote on evangelism and witnessing, "You may be the only Bible someone ever reads." Well, for some listeners, we are their church!

I am just so astounded that a company that prides itself on being a Christian-based company would be so "UGH!" Maybe the problem is that it does pride itself... and it is Christian-based. Because I have now come to be of the opinion that it is impossible for a company to be both "Christian-based" and "publicly traded."

When we're working extra hours, graciously agreeing to log "comp time" instead of charging the company overtime. We tell ourselves, "It's not about the money... It's about the ministry." But try quantifying that to the stockholders who are more interested in sums than souls... more concerned with building their portfolios than building the Kingdom... Don't make budget and you're considered dead weight they need to sell off... Make budget and you are now a profitable frequency that will bring in a good sale... Heads, they win. Tails, you lose... Sorry :(

I know that God has a plan, and will find a way to use this for good... but I've never been well-stocked in the patience department, and right now I'm pretty miffed... Looks like I'm in for another lesson in perseverance...